What comes after goodbye?

If you’ve ever been lucky enough to love and be loved by a furry, feathered or scaly friend, then you may also know how devastating it can be to say goodbye. 

Sometimes the passing of a pet is sudden. Other times we have to make the difficult decision for them when it’s time to say goodbye. No matter the circumstance, losing a pet comes with a whole host of emotions. 

The loss and sadness can be all-consuming, yet we can often feel silly or guilty for being so upset. We consider pets a part of our family, yet strangely, the loss of a pet is considered disenfranchised grief, meaning it’s not a loss that’s openly recognised. 

Psychologist Guy Winch says: ‘While the death of a person we loved evokes compassion and support from other people, the sympathy and recognition we get after a pet dies is often woefully inadequate to our devastation. This lack of support can make losing a pet even more painful and challenging.’

If you have recently lost a pet, all of us here at PetRescue extend our most heartfelt condolences. There truly are no words to take away the pain, but please know that you’re not alone. 

Although we may feel the need to apologise for being sad, there are many valid reasons we feel the loss of a pet so deeply. 

🌈 Cocoa & Toby

Pets share our journey.

Our pets are right there with us on our journey through life. They’re with us through our best and worst moments. Losing that unconditional love and support can leave us feeling empty and alone, even if we are surrounded by family and friends, but especially when we’re not. 

🌈 Sid

Pets give us purpose and identity.

When we care for our pets, it inevitably becomes a part of our identity. It gives us a purpose and provides a structure to our day. We feed, walk, clean up after, and provide enrichment for our pets every day. When our beloved pet has passed, and we no longer need to care for them, it leaves a significant void in our daily routine. 

Owners who nursed their pets through old age, or cared for a special needs pet, usually spent even more of their day in caretaker mode and, therefore, often feel a greater sense of emptiness after saying goodbye.

🌈 Floyd

The loss of a pet often comes with guilt.

Our feelings of guilt, whilst normal, often make our grief so much more complicated. In the case of an unexpected death, we can feel guilty that we couldn’t prevent it. Pet owners who have decided to euthanase their companion can often feel guilty for saying goodbye too soon or for holding on too long. Feeling a sense of relief after the passing of a high-needs pet is entirely normal, and yet we can feel guilty for this too.

Whilst feelings of guilt can be common when we are grieving, we certainly don’t deserve to feel guilty. Our pets never dwelt on negative emotions, and here we should take a lesson from them. 

So how do we begin to process our grief and heal ourselves after saying goodbye? It may feel overwhelming, but as with any form of grief, there are things you can do to help you process your loss. 

🌈 Indi

Acknowledge your loss.

Firstly, it is important to acknowledge your loss. Know that however you feel, you’re not alone, and your feelings are valid. You need to give yourself the time and permission to go through the grieving process. 

It’s also important to remember that grief will feel different for everybody. It will likely also be different with the passing of individual pets. If you felt devastated when one pet passed away and felt more okay after the passing of another pet, that is not a reflection of your bond with each pet. There are many factors that influence how we grieve, and however, you feel is okay!

🌈 Rio
 

Memorialise your pet.

Many people find comfort in memorialising their pet. You might like to create a photo album of precious memories, plant a special tree, create a keepsake or make a charitable donation in your pet's name. You could even spend time with family and friends who loved your pet to share stories and say farewell. 

Find your rhythm.

Reworking existing routines or creating entirely new ones is another way to keep moving forward positively. Our pets tend to keep us on track. They are great alarm clocks, they often keep us active and social, and they always know when it’s time to get started with dinner. It may be painful to go for a walk without your best friend by your side, but thinking outside the box can bring great outcomes. For example, you might discover that helping an elderly or time-poor neighbour by offering to walk their dog could be a great way to keep active and stocked up with doggo cuddles. You could decide to take those art classes you’ve never had time for, or you might join a local sporting club. Anything that makes you feel a little bit excited, and gives your day some structure, is a great place to start!

🌈 T-Bone

Maintaining your purpose and identity.

Bringing a pet into our lives becomes a part of our purpose and identity. We become a ‘dog mum’ or a ‘cat dad’, and it can be challenging to see ourselves without that label. When you feel ready, you may decide to welcome another pet into your home, but until then, there are still many ways to continue your role as a caregiver. A great intermediary step is providing foster care for a pet in need, but if that is too much too soon, you might decide that volunteering some time at a pet shelter is a great way to get your furry fix. Even reaching out to family and friends and offering to be their petsitter can bring the joy of a pet back into your life in a manageable way. 

Take the win.

Grief often comes in waves. Over time you will heal and feel better, but that process isn’t linear. We hate feeling sad, but we tend to feel guilty (there’s that beast again) when we have moments of happiness. Having good days, or even just a random burst of laughter at a cute cat meme, is completely okay. In fact, it should be celebrated. So take the wins where you can find them. Kick your guilt to the curb and feel pride in yourself for making progress.
 

🌈 Wiz

Finding support.

Regardless of how you navigate the changes losing a pet brings, having support through the ups and downs is very beneficial. If you have people around you who can listen with understanding and compassion, reach out. Express your feelings about your loss and share your favourite stories and memories. All of us at PetRescue always love to hear stories of the joy a pet has brought to the humans lucky enough to have them in their lives. Feel free to share them with us by emailing info@petrescue.org.au.

If you don’t feel comfortable talking to someone, that’s okay too. Journaling your thoughts and feeling can be therapeutic. It can help you understand your emotions, and sometimes just getting your thoughts down on paper can lighten a heavy heart.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed, talking with a professional who understands the human-animal bond can be helpful. Help is available, and the links below might be a great starting point.

Dr Vanessa Rohlf - 0419 322 451

Pets and People - 1300 431 450

Pet Rest Grief Line – 03 9596 7799

Patch and Purr - 1300 112 711

Pet Loss Grief Support Facebook Group Australia

PetRescue co-founder Vix with husband Guy and 🌈 Wiz, Floyd and Mikalla

Whatever shape your grief has taken, we hope you can find solace in knowing that your loss will get easier to carry with time. Although you may not be able to think back on treasured memories without tears just yet, the love you gave to your pet, and the bond you shared, brought immense joy to their life. You filled their days with love and happiness with every treat, cuddle, game or kiss. If they could, we’re sure they’d tell you to go now and fill your days with all that love and happiness too! So here’s to your goodest boy or bestest girl and all the love you shared!

In loving memory of Wiz, Floyd, Mikalla, Sid, Toby, Cocoa, Indi, Rio, T-Bone and Mash.

“Those we love never truly leave us. There are things that death cannot touch.” ― Jack Thorne

 🌈 Mash